Tag: Jade

[txt: Bone head] I’m bored [txt: Bone head] And I’d like for you to entire me [txt: Bone head] So let’s play a little game

xxvainqueur:

[text; Jaded] I’m so flattered you’re texting me cause you’re bored. much love to you too

[text; Jaded] ok, Jigsaw. shoulda guessed. if anyone was ever gonna start a real-life version of Saw, it’d be you

[text; Jaded] tell me what it is and i’ll tell you if i’m feelin obliging

forging-faces:

[txt: Bone head] … I’m not as needy as you think, mister. So there.

[txt: Bone head] Me trying to burn a hole into you with my mind is going to turn you on? Prepare to be turned on a lot whenever we’re together.

[txt: Bone head] Pretty cocky for a man who I only JUST said agreed to be his damsel.

[txt: Bone head] I’ll make sure to wear something nice and tight every single day then.

[txt: Bone head] I’m sorry, but if he ships Daisy and Gatsby, consider him already zombified! I simply will not STAND to be in the presence of somebody who thinks they belong together! As your damsel, I would hope you’d side with me in this…

[txt: Bone head] No, I’m calling the man who’s dating somebody a few years older than his daughter a perv. As for your hand on my ass- yeah, I got nothing. It’d just be nice.

[txt: Bone head] Good.

[txt: Bone head] I’m interrupting this conversation to say that tv just said ‘have you got wood?’ So I’m pretty sure it’s the TV that’s the perv…

[txt: Bone head] Well you make it easy to want to stay around… So… Yeah.

[txt: Bone head] Oh, yeah. You. The dark horse. Daisy, Luigi, you. Hmmm… How will I ever decide between a flighty, cheating ditz, a pixelated plumber, or 6 feet of tattooed attractive man… Really difficult here.

[txt: Bone head] Looking for an excuse to what?

[txt: Bone head] Yeeeah, I don’t think that probably turned out too well. You probably pissed off a lot of people. For the record, my hair REALLY doesn’t do well in the humidity, so I won’t be a happy camper in hell. Even if you are there with me.

[txt: Bone head] OH MY GOD I FORGOT FOR A MINUTE THAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE BIBLE AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE SAYING THERE DIRTY STUFF ABOUNDS IN YOUR BEDROOM!!!

[txt: Bone head] Oh my god. My head hurts from laughing so hard.

[text; Jaded] you tryin to convince me or you?

[text; Jaded] am I dreaming or did someone say I can make her smile? besides, you say that like I ain’t got that problem already 

[text; Jaded] stop fighting this and let me live happily ever after, damsel

[text; Jaded] okay but have fun getting your ass tickled by a ghost

[text; Jaded] you don’t even know what he ships thouuugh. I remember him mentioning a Jordan? he liked Jordan. does that make him non-zombie? is she good? don’t make me choose between my damsel and my… god. what the hell is Jude. heir? he’d be mad if I called him a princess so sure we’ll go with that. he’s my heir now. don’t make me do that

[text; Jaded] YOU SAID WE WOULDN’T SPEAK OF IT ANYMORE. GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE

[text; Jaded] idk sometimes that works on Callie still. sometimes.

[text; Jaded] …the hell’re you watching? stop watching porn. it’s very undamsellike and I will not stand for it unless I’m right there beside you then maybe it’s ok?

[text; Jaded] you can punch me later for this but you’re so fucking adorable

[text; Jaded] I dunno. We both know Luigi would make you happier. I can’t compete with his sense of style. it’s okay to admit it

[text; Jaded] you’ll see

[text; Jaded] yeaaaah. ever been caned before? that shit hurts. worth it. so when and if we wind up in hell, I should first worry about your hair lookin okay?

[text; Jaded] ……

[text; Jaded] while you’re in your room thinkin bout the things you’ve done, put on a cone of shame while you’re at it

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A text that was supposed to be deleted, but accidentally sent please and thank you

forging-faces:

xxvainqueur:

[accidental text; Jaded] i’m pretty sure you’re already cocky as hell but i’m confused so shut up. like ok you’re the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen in my whole fucking life which is really weird because I mean I’ve literally dated a model before so what the fuck are you and why are you like that? are you literally made of fairy dust or? it’s fucking with my head

[txt: Bone head] What fucking other guys? This isn’t a thing I do.
[txt: Bone head] Jesus, I was joking about not being invited. For fuck sake. Even if I had been, what you said makes sense. Planned months ago. Boring. Whatever.
[txt: Bone head] It’s whatever.
[txt: Bone head] You don’t need to explain yourself, or anything really, to me
[txt: Bone head] You can do what you want with who you want.
[txt: Bone head] It’s not like we said we were anything really. Or wouldn’t see other people.
[txt: Bone head] We’re only just starting whatever this is.
[txt: Bone head] So, yeah. Just enjoy yourself tonight.

[text; Jaded] The ones you walked out on? Those ones? Those weren’t things?
[text; Jaded] I’m explaining because I care about you and want you to know. When you hurt, I hurt. Simple as that.
[text; Jaded] If you don’t want to admit your own feelings to yourself, that’s cool, but I don’t have that problem.
[text; Jaded] I want you. Just you. I’ve told you that. I tell you how I feel. You act like even HAVING those feelings would be the end of your world. I don’t get it. But whatever this is? On my end, I don’t care. I don’t need a name for it. I’m yours now. That’s all.
[text; Jaded] yeah, okay

[txt: Bone head] I’m bored [txt: Bone head] And I’d like for you to entire me [txt: Bone head] So let’s play a little game

xxvainqueur:

[text; Jaded] I’m so flattered you’re texting me cause you’re bored. much love to you too

[text; Jaded] ok, Jigsaw. shoulda guessed. if anyone was ever gonna start a real-life version of Saw, it’d be you

[text; Jaded] tell me what it is and i’ll tell you if i’m feelin obliging

forging-faces:

[txt: Bone head] ‘keep your hands to yourself’. Is that what you call it? 😉 And yes. Yes I am greedy. I will admit fully and without shame.

[txt: Bone head] My glower will strike fear into your soul

[txt: Bone head] … Ok. As long as you don’t need that distress part, I guess I can be your damsel.

[txt: Bone head] Oh, well if your basement is cooler than his entire mansion, then OBVIOUSLY you’re the man I need to be with. Forget Luigi. You’re the one for me, Samson, that’s all there is to it.

[txt: Bone head] If he ships Daisy and Gatsby, I will chew his face off until he changes his mind and sees the light.

[txt: Bone head] Mmhmm. You’re a perv. NOW we don’t ever have to talk about it again.

[txt: Bone head] … Yeah, I do, I trust you.

[txt: Bone head] I will judge how I fell about this star AFTER I get it and judge whether or not it’s good enough. So we shall wait.

[txt: Bone head] You made it a lot better actually. That was actually… Damn near perfect. All teasing and joking aside, thank you, Samson. For helping to settle my nerves, for saying you were nervous meeting Callie when she wasn’t your kid. Thanks.

[txt: Bone head] Ewwwwww, you like dirty piercings. You’re weeeeeeird.

[txt: Bone head] You’re right, Luigi and Daisy. I can decide who I’m more over the moon about.

[txt: Bone head] I look nothing like a hippie, you’re wrong and I’ll kick you in the shin.

[txt: Bone head] … I’m interested in a guy who’s a bigger badass than I am. Though, I’m pretty sure qualifying you as a badass for torching a bible makes me morally bankrupt.

[txt: Bone head] Like F.O.I.L. Got it. Also, bible stories have never seemed more interesting to me. Whores and death?! Hell yeah!

[txt: Bone head] … I have to earn a visit to your bedroom?

[text; Jaded] if I wanna keep my “complete gentleman” card, uh, yeah. patience is a thing, miss needy. now you’re makin me contemplate the benefits of makin you wait

[text; Jaded] naw but if it makes you feel bettter, it’ll probably turn me on

[text; Jaded] about time you admit it. been that along, so ha

[text; Jaded] yeah, yeah, sounds nice and all but if you kill me for my basement like you were gonna do to him, I will haunt your ass. especially if that ass is wearin something nice. tread lightly

[text; Jaded] …you’re gonna eat my best friend? I knew it would happen. this. this is where I draw the line. you zombie-ify my friend and I will never forgive you

[text; Jaded] you’re calling the one whose hand you’re demanding be on your ass a perv? tsk. you make this so easy

[text; Jaded] good. I trust you too.

[text; Jaded] I can’t believe I actually pulled something off without making it worse. what gets me is that you’re still here, so… thanks back.

[text; Jaded] I am so not. I am the most normal person ever 

[text; Jaded] Meeee. It’s me. That’s the answer you’re lookin for.

[text; Jaded] you do that. I’ve been looking for an excuse

[text; Jaded] I mean, sure. we’ll go with that. I’d say more like “stupid kid who wasn’t thinking of consequences” but sure. Badass. Like that better. As for you, you’ll be fine. if you go to hell, I’ll come find you and it’ll be like old times. Just… y’know. Hotter. 

[text; Jaded] I don’t know what that is, but I’m guessing math so yes, yes, like that. Man, just you wait. Dirty stuff abounds if you know where to look. Just don’t expect happy endings and it’ll be great

[text; Jaded] naw, you have to earn seeing it. if you’re in my bedroom, ha. no. you can look at the painting afterwards. but again, first you gotta earn it

A text that was supposed to be deleted, but accidentally sent please and thank you

forging-faces:

xxvainqueur:

[accidental text; Jaded] i’m pretty sure you’re already cocky as hell but i’m confused so shut up. like ok you’re the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen in my whole fucking life which is really weird because I mean I’ve literally dated a model before so what the fuck are you and why are you like that? are you literally made of fairy dust or? it’s fucking with my head

[txt: Bone head] Ok
[txt: Bone head] I like her tattoos
[txt: Bone head] I’m not anything
[txt: Bone head] Nothing
[txt: Bone head] Have fun tonight with your hoards of drunken women groping you

[text; Jaded] does this shutting down routine normally work on other guys? because I don’t do this shit
[text; Jaded] if you’re not gonna talk, you’re gonna listen. 
[text; Jaded]

if I didn’t need the money for the boys I wouldn’t be here at all. but shit happens and rich fuckers got the funds to make it go away so if some drunk chick gets touchy-feely but her husband’s got the funds, I let it slide
[text; Jaded] I don’t want any of this. This is one of the worst nights of the year and that’s why I make Jude stay home because this is my thing to put up with and not anyone else’s. that includes you
[text; Jaded] I’m sorry I didn’t invite you to come which seems shitty but if you knew what this was like, you’d be happy it ain’t you here

[txt: Bone head] I’m bored [txt: Bone head] And I’d like for you to entire me [txt: Bone head] So let’s play a little game

forging-faces:

xxvainqueur:

[text; Jaded] I’m so flattered you’re texting me cause you’re bored. much love to you too

[text; Jaded] ok, Jigsaw. shoulda guessed. if anyone was ever gonna start a real-life version of Saw, it’d be you

[text; Jaded] tell me what it is and i’ll tell you if i’m feelin obliging

[txt: Bone head] Thank you! God. I’m upset I had to ask for something like that, but I’ll forgive it this time

[txt: Bone head] ……… My glower will be harsher. Feel it?

[txt: Bone head] Uh, you saying you’re not supposed to be the damsel in distress implying that IIII am? Wanna take this opportunity to adjust that statement?

[txt: Bone head] I’m gonna make you get ‘tiny fun-sized fairy creature’ tattooed on your ass if you call me that again. Understand?

[txt: Bone head] What? I can’t be married to him and take you as my lover? Goddamn it, Samson! WHY do you insist on ruining my best laid plans! I was gonna kill him off so I get the mansion could live there with King Boo. I understand if it’s too painful to watch me marry somebody else though.

[txt: Bone head] If Jude thinks Daisy and Gatsby should’ve ended up together, I dislike him already and I’m sorry for that. But there’s no getting over a disagreement like that. We’re simply too different.

[txt: Bone head] Excuse me while I laugh myself to death that you’re starting something up with somebody not myself older than your daughter.

[txt: Bone head] For the record, I feel like we’re at a point in this thing where I know you, the kind of person you are, your character, whatever to say that I’m pretty confident that you’re not the kind of person I think would hurt me. So, don’t feel like you have to reassure me that you won’t. Because I don’t think you will. Yeah. That’s all.

[txt: Bone head] Preeeeeetty sure I was promised a gold star, guess I can settle for a pink one though.

[txt: Bone head] It’s not that I don’t like it. It just worries me a little. Never really had a guy in my life in this capacity and him have kids. It’s other people to think about, ya know? I mean obviously you know they’re your kids. Like its this weird combination that it’s kinda cute that she asks about me? But also an ‘oh shit’ that she asks about me.

[txt: Bone head] I know I might be saying the wrong things or whatever, I just feel like when it comes to them I need to be honest with you that it makes me a little nervous. I mean, kids are involved here and I don’t know. I just don’t wanna fuck anything up when it comes to them? I don’t know. I don’t even know if I’m making sense actually…

[txt: Bone head] Everybody needs that mental image. I think it’d be warning for people to not get them then.

[txt: Bone head] Hey, you don’t ship Daisy and Gatsby. As far as I’m concerned, I won’t hate you now.

[txt: Bone head] III am not a hippie. I was raised by hippies. It’s different.

[txt: Bone head] Not like an idiot. That’s fucking impressive. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’d get burned if I even touched a bible. But to actually memorize parts of it? Forget about even understanding it. Honest, I’m actually impressed.

[txt: Bone head] You’ll have to show me next time I’m over.

[text; Jaded] ain’t my fault I was raised to keep my hands to myself. know what? I think you’re greedy. that’s the real problem here

[text; Jaded] a little bit. be more effective in person though

[text; Jaded] no, cause if one of us has to be in a pretty dress, I’d rather it be you. lose the distress and be my damsel

[text; Jaded] …yes, ma’am

[text; Jaded] You can try, but I’d hate to kill the only ghost friend I have. besides my basement is cooler than his whole mansion so joke’s on you

[text; Jaded] you’re gonna have to talk to him about that cause idk what he thinks. he’s all about that romance shit though so I’m sure you could find some agreement between the two of you 

[text; Jaded] I take back everything I said and let’s never mention this again

[text; Jaded]  you trust me?

[text; Jaded] you take your star and you love it. I demand it

[text; Jaded] I get it. it’s why I wasn’t gonna say it. I know how it sounds and I know how it probably feels to hear it, but I know kids too. especially mine. I’m not saying you’re not special to her cause in some ways, you are. but in Mita’s eyes, you’re a friend. like when Callie brings boyfriends home? she asks similar things. 

[text; Jaded] so what I’m sayin is there’s no pressure. no right or wrong. you’re not her mom. she knows that. I know what I’m doing, and you can’t fuck them up. even if you could, I wouldn’t allow it. and honestly I was nervous as fuck when I met Callie too cause back then she wasn’t my kid but for me, that feeling went away. even if it never does for you, that’s fine. as far as I’m concerned, me and you are separate from you and them so I don’t think ever want you to think you’re obligated to be more than that

[text; Jaded] …did I make things worse or better? there’s not really a handbook for this kind of thing 

[text; Jaded] Nope. I always kinda had a thing for certain piercings and you ruined it like a jerk

[text; Jaded] you really are in love with daisy, damn. cuts me to the core. it really does

[text; Jaded] yes yes you are not a hippie. you just look like one, that’s all

[text; Jaded] seeing as I’ve literally torched a bible in front of a bunch of evangelicals when I got pissed off, I think I win the unholy war between us. and don’t be. it’s like learnin a math equation. if you had to learn it, you’d remember it too. besides, it’s like fairy tales kinda? except with prostitutes and dying but ya know

[text; Jaded] only if you earn it

A text that was supposed to be deleted, but accidentally sent please and thank you

forging-faces:

xxvainqueur:

[accidental text; Jaded] i’m pretty sure you’re already cocky as hell but i’m confused so shut up. like ok you’re the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen in my whole fucking life which is really weird because I mean I’ve literally dated a model before so what the fuck are you and why are you like that? are you literally made of fairy dust or? it’s fucking with my head

[txt: Bone head] No, it wasn’t an insult. It was more of a ‘I got fancy clothes too and I could’ve been candy on your arm, but you didn’t ask me to be’. So, there was no insult. Just pointing out I could’ve been the one straightening your tie. … I’m sorry I make you self-conscious.
[txt: Bone head] You have a crush on me…
[txt: Bone head] That girl’s been after you? The one in the picture with the tattoos?
[txt: Bone head] Won’t order them then
[txt: Bone head] That’s fine, keep frowning

[text; Jaded] oh. three reasons I didn’t ask you. 1) I only have a “date” cause she’s supposed to fend off the drunk socialites who get grabby. 2) this thing was set up months ago which was when you still had your “I will stab you with a fork if you come close” vibe going on. 3) I don’t want to be here, and I wouldn’t want you to have to put up with this shit either. and it’s fine
[text; Jaded] if that’s what you wanna call it.
[text; Jaded] ah, no. Aja is the date who ain’t one. She’s only into chicks so if you ever do meet her, don’t let her sweet talk you. not saying you would fall for it but she tries taking what ain’t hers, so don’t let her cuteness fool you. apparently her bodyguard skills fucking suck too cause idk where the fuck she went 
[text; Jaded] you’re either pissed off or pouting. I’m not sure which it is over texts but I don’t like either one so help me out
[text; Jaded] what’d I do?

A text that was supposed to be deleted, but accidentally sent please and thank you

forging-faces:

xxvainqueur:

[accidental text; Jaded] i’m pretty sure you’re already cocky as hell but i’m confused so shut up. like ok you’re the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen in my whole fucking life which is really weird because I mean I’ve literally dated a model before so what the fuck are you and why are you like that? are you literally made of fairy dust or? it’s fucking with my head

[txt: Bone head] Wow. Look at you. Take this compliment and just let it be, but you look pretty damn good. Your tie is a bit crooked. If I were there, I’d fix it for you, but I ain’t, so.
[txt: Bone head] You want to tell me EVERYTHING about you and your life and everything about you. It’s cause you got a crush on me
[txt: Bone head] AAAAAHAAAAA! Yes! Spank me, spank me please! Let this horribly awkward moment happen for you because it’ll give me LIFE! LOVE it!
[txt: Bone head] I believe you’re right, we’ve somehow managed to skip over careers/jobs talk… So much for knowing stuff about each other
[txt: Bone head] I’m gonna get ten. And I’m gonna get ones that’ll have me the most scantily clad. And I’m gonna come over and be like ‘I gotta use the bathroom’, then come out and I’m gonna be Tinkerbell. Because that’s how small it’s gonna be, I’m gonna keep it somewhere on my person that you won’t know then the second I’m away from you or you go to the kitchen or something, you’ll come back and BAM! I’m Tinkerbell.
[txt: Bone head] I can feel it though, that frown. If it makes your fragile man ego feel better, it’s mostly ‘aunts’/’uncles’ I torture. And like one friend. So.

[text; Jaded] yeah but that was like a compliment and insult all at once. “hot but sloppy; nice effort.” but in Jade-speak. only you can make me self-conscious after all the compliments. now I gotta find her to make her fix it fuuck
[text; Jaded] I’m not 12 so no, I do not have a crush but thanks so much
[text; Jaded] ok ok lemme follow your logic. you want me to get turned on while a woman who’s already been after me all night is close to me for a dance, meaning she’s gonna think it’s cause of what she’s doing. right? i’m not sure awkward is how that’d play out. you sure bout this?
[text; Jaded] we failed at the whole ‘getting to know you’ thing
[text; Jaded] but now I know it’s coming. every time you or me leave the room, I’ll be suspicious. your evil plans aren’t as evil when I’m prepared. sorrrrrry
[text; Jaded] don’t care. you’ve earned a frown so it’s staying