[text; Jaded] I’m so flattered you’re texting me cause you’re bored. much love to you too
[text; Jaded] ok, Jigsaw. shoulda guessed. if anyone was ever gonna start a real-life version of Saw, it’d be you
[text; Jaded] tell me what it is and i’ll tell you if i’m feelin obliging
[txt: Bone head] … I’m not as needy as you think, mister. So there.
[txt: Bone head] Me trying to burn a hole into you with my mind is going to turn you on? Prepare to be turned on a lot whenever we’re together.
[txt: Bone head] Pretty cocky for a man who I only JUST said agreed to be his damsel.
[txt: Bone head] I’ll make sure to wear something nice and tight every single day then.
[txt: Bone head] I’m sorry, but if he ships Daisy and Gatsby, consider him already zombified! I simply will not STAND to be in the presence of somebody who thinks they belong together! As your damsel, I would hope you’d side with me in this…
[txt: Bone head] No, I’m calling the man who’s dating somebody a few years older than his daughter a perv. As for your hand on my ass- yeah, I got nothing. It’d just be nice.
[txt: Bone head] Good.
[txt: Bone head] I’m interrupting this conversation to say that tv just said ‘have you got wood?’ So I’m pretty sure it’s the TV that’s the perv…
[txt: Bone head] Well you make it easy to want to stay around… So… Yeah.
[txt: Bone head] Oh, yeah. You. The dark horse. Daisy, Luigi, you. Hmmm… How will I ever decide between a flighty, cheating ditz, a pixelated plumber, or 6 feet of tattooed attractive man… Really difficult here.
[txt: Bone head] Looking for an excuse to what?
[txt: Bone head] Yeeeah, I don’t think that probably turned out too well. You probably pissed off a lot of people. For the record, my hair REALLY doesn’t do well in the humidity, so I won’t be a happy camper in hell. Even if you are there with me.
[txt: Bone head] OH MY GOD I FORGOT FOR A MINUTE THAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE BIBLE AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE SAYING THERE DIRTY STUFF ABOUNDS IN YOUR BEDROOM!!!
[txt: Bone head] Oh my god. My head hurts from laughing so hard.
[text; Jaded] you tryin to convince me or you?
[text; Jaded] am I dreaming or did someone say I can make her smile? besides, you say that like I ain’t got that problem already
[text; Jaded] stop fighting this and let me live happily ever after, damsel
[text; Jaded] okay but have fun getting your ass tickled by a ghost
[text; Jaded] you don’t even know what he ships thouuugh. I remember him mentioning a Jordan? he liked Jordan. does that make him non-zombie? is she good? don’t make me choose between my damsel and my… god. what the hell is Jude. heir? he’d be mad if I called him a princess so sure we’ll go with that. he’s my heir now. don’t make me do that
[text; Jaded] YOU SAID WE WOULDN’T SPEAK OF IT ANYMORE. GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE
[text; Jaded] idk sometimes that works on Callie still. sometimes.
[text; Jaded] …the hell’re you watching? stop watching porn. it’s very undamsellike and I will not stand for it unless I’m right there beside you then maybe it’s ok?
[text; Jaded] you can punch me later for this but you’re so fucking adorable
[text; Jaded] I dunno. We both know Luigi would make you happier. I can’t compete with his sense of style. it’s okay to admit it
[text; Jaded] you’ll see
[text; Jaded] yeaaaah. ever been caned before? that shit hurts. worth it. so when and if we wind up in hell, I should first worry about your hair lookin okay?
[text; Jaded] ……
[text; Jaded] while you’re in your room thinkin bout the things you’ve done, put on a cone of shame while you’re at it